2-15-17

8-21-16

Love the biggest conundrum of all….

Wrote this in August of last year too…. Been debating if it was even worth posting considering it’s a bit cynical and feels pathetic but what better day than the day after Valentine’s Day… the day that always has me yearning for LOVE.

Love… ❤️ Such a conundrum in my life…all my life.  Dating, or should I say even thinking about dating, makes me want to puke. Been there done that and… even though I have not practiced much for being 51…the little that I have attempted it, I can say from the bottom hollows of my soul— that it is SO NOT ME!!! I hate it, loathe it!!

Advise-Advise-Advise     Advise??

Guru’s about love, books, Cosmo, Matthew Hussey, (you will love him, that accent oh my God!)  Advice from the world, my kids, new friends, old friends…mainly the masses and I, ME, for some reason just can’t figure this conundrum out. I am a huge people person, in love with love, affectionate and a damn good partner if you ask me. (I know I’m partial, yeah, yeah, yeah) I just can’t find Mr. Right, can’t even find Mr. Almost Right. Anyone— even with a few flaws that aren’t complete deal breakers.  What the hell is it that I’m attracted to besides my goddamn dad? Sorry pops, RIP.  OK here’s the wrong formula for sure:

*Controlling

*Too Charming

*Victims

*Cheaters

*Too Good Looking

*Narcissist

*Flirts (Hard one, though, cause I’m a flirt)

Did I mention controlling, narcissistic, victims? OK, so yeah, I’m pretty textbook fucked! There’s that word again—! One day…when I stop looking right?! He will find me… Prince Charming. Be happy with yourself they say…then, only then,  you will attract the right guy. Well, guess what people…I’m pretty fucking happy with myself and still…NOTHING. I’m not looking for perfection because I’m FAR from perfect. But what I am is loving and willing to work at anything with anybody that makes me happy and loves me for me.

I think putting yourself out there is the toughest part. I’m chatty, been called loquacious a few times in my life…can talk to almost anybody, but my “picker” is bad I guess. I have tried love with all types. Feel like I have been better at setting my boundaries lately, and still I meet somebody new and I wonder what I’m not seeing.  My biggest conundrum is I HAVE to be attracted physically. They HAVE to make me laugh and really, they do have to be kind. I, unfortunately, am too kind and have been known to be taken advantage of. My youngest daughter Jacki tells me she loves that I love with an open heart. That I don’t put up walls and like I’ve always quoted, I love like I’ve never been hurt. But….believe me I have, and I’ve always also promised myself that I wouldn’t let my bumps, bruises or even scars that may never heal, stop me from loving with an open heart. I always see the good in everybody. Even in the bad and ugly…. With every failed relationship and in particular with the 2 fathers of my children… I see the good in them, and with my baby daddy’s…I am reminded of their goodness in my kids every day.

Unrequited Love…

I have been hopelessly in love for quite a while, to the same person, on and off and that person…. although he claims he loved me once, is not where I deserve him to be. It may never work out and holding on is painful, but my eyes are wide open. I am open to love from him or somebody who can give me the love back I deserve and if it is meant to be it will be. So… que’ sera, sera… whatever will be, will be…. Another song and lyric imprinted in my brain along with the other 1000’s of love songs that I listen to in times of duress. Love may be my biggest life conundrum of all.

Love yourself…

Funny that my two favorite words are four letter words. LOVE & @UCK… Sometimes not in that order. Makes perfect sense considering my conundrums in life. So, my curiosities lie in what is the right thing to do when wanting to be in love and to be loved and give my love at 51? What is the right thing to do, feel, say, act like and still stay loving and not cynical??? Please enlighten me… I’m willing to take and hear advice from anyone. Sometimes my own children give me the best advice of all.

So… I will continue to challenge myself and be in love with love and in love with ME. Love ME, like I’ve loved the others. Respect ME and cherish ME…all by myself, till one day enjoying myself that much and having that inner peace and confidence will bring me the love I deserve.

Wish me luck and mostly, wish me peace. And, YES, I know it’s love myself, not love ME… but I am who I must remind!!!

Anybody else at 51 single feeling this way?? Please enlighten me and chime in. I dare ya!

My heart is open…. ♥♥♥