“Oh no— my lights just went off! I sure hope my roomie paid the last bill” (rushing to my window) oh wait, the whole neighboorhood is out… NO POWER!! “Candle time!!!”These were the words I uttered to my sister back, (or should I say out there), in Kansas. Tabby, my sissy, cold as hell with an 18-degree night and no heat and her little sis on her Friday, and still happy as hell to enjoy it with NO POWER.

    So, candle time it was. Thank God for iPhone flashlights, as I know I put those matches somewhere! UGH! (sigh) The candle queen I am and only two candles to my name, but of course…did I mention they are both Cire Trudon candles from Normandy, that have maybe 1″ left to burn. At $100.00 a pop, I’m not a very happy Campo that these are my only two options. GRRRRR — So finally after walking my house like a pioneer in the olden days, with iPhone in hand, I find some matches. All along talking to my sis about the howling winds. I look outside to see a full-blown blizzard — snowflakes dancing around in a frenzied fashion, not knowing which direction to head. “Oh crap,” I exclaim to my sister, mentally piecing together my plight. “It’s a complete white out”…but how damn cool, all alone, my adopted pups keeping me company with only two measly candles and WAIT… oh fuck, my phone is at 11% only!! My SISTER is laughing at me (at this point, not my ‘sissy’ anymore    ….) I am truly in a pickled predicament. But, luckily, I have my iPad at 100%. “Let me call you back sissy to keep my 10% phone battery on the iPhone.” Swoooosh, sshhhhhh, swissshhhhh, the snow just frolicking through the sky with the force of a gale wind with a purpose. Sexy as ever. (Dialing (725) 400-5555)………..NOTHING. Perplexed, it hits me, of course, as irony has it, I canceled my iPad plan to save money, (“I won’t need it, I’ve got WIFI, I can use that,”) I had convinced myself. But, not during a power outage, dimwit…oh well, who would have thought? Irony at it’s finest, Murphy’s law and all of that, that goes with it. Alanis Morissette starts playing in the hollow of my head, “But isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think? It’s like raaaa-ea-ainnnn on your wedding day…it’s a free ride when you’ve already paid, who would have thought … it figures”!!! She says it best, “life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything’s ok and everything is going right”… well, the night is young after all, let’s see what happens.

    Squirrel. Light bulb moment. Let me go to the car and charge my phone. But first… I know, I’ll get my battery operated candles out of the garage! I’m brilliant. Again, my iPhone flashlight is going to come in very handy as I attempt to find a cardboard box among a sea of cardboard boxes in a pitch black, freezing garage. Oh boy. Here goes. Rummaging I go balancing my phone on my ear, while still talking to my sister, as I climb on boxes stepping on god knows what to find them — finally — not a care in the world as it’s MY Friday after all and that’s all I care about. I will sit by battery operated candlelight and enjoy myself God Dammit!! Three boxes and one last balancing act later, I find my trusty box of Pottery Barn, battery operated, wax candles. Glad my sister talked to me while I found them as I wouldn’t want to be found unconscious from climbing the ladder of cardboard boxes to maybe my demise. But, I found them, now back in the laundry room, I try them one by one. First one, score… the second one, bingo, third one also working, on a roll… oops spoke too soon, fourth one dead as a doorknob. The last one, dimly lit… but useable considering this darkness is like none I have experienced. Now, how long will the batteries last is another question? We will all soon see.

    So now that I am all set up, it’s time for a phone charge! Let’s do this. Reindeer suit on, entirely in the raw under my onesie, tail exposed and red nose a glowing with my privates flying free…now my big hooded fur coat, my Uggs, and phone and charger in hand and I am set to go into the abyss. “Bye, sissy I will call you after my phone is charged”. Off I go…damn it’s colder than a witches tit. So appropriate as the whole night with its eerie darkness and whistling winds is feeling more and more like a Halloween caper as all the details are pointing to a spookfest for sure. Squish, crunch, squish, crunch, my big footsteps on the newly fallen snow sound so loud and I seem to be the only one alive on the whole block. In the whole world. Wonder if anyone else is having the exciting night I am or did everyone just go to bed? Hmm? Boring. Who knows, who cares I’m on an adventure for one and loving every minute of it. Ok, 17 thousand texts and Gif’s later from my loving sister, who for sure is channeling my pain in the ass brother Ian from the unknown, she won’t quit. Sending me blanket Gif’s, Jack Nicholson froze solid in my favorite movie, The Shining. Gif’s, dogs with blankets, Linus with his blanket, name it, she found it!! Again, who cares as I’m laughing through each text and Gif that she chooses to keep my mind off how incredibly cold it is in my car. All of a sudden as my windshield wipers are fighting off each snowflake I turn on my headlights and am in awe. Dazed and mesmerized by the falling snow as the sky plummets each flake directly at the glare of the white beams of my lights I see their cadence. Right, left, up, down always changing direction like a shapeshifter from Harry Potter. Some flakes small, others big, but moving and dancing just the same. I, alone in my icy car, as the winds, do not let up and the only thing allowing me to see the beauty unfolding are the windshield wipers. Cold or not I roll down my window to listen to the moving crystals and put sound to the chaos I am watching, and all I hear is dead silence. So peaceful even though my eyes are seeing different. I position my iPhone, that’s supposed to be charging, to take a few stills of the darkness that is my neighborhood with no signs of life, just me moving inside my metal box of a car, trapped waiting to see my percentage monitor go up to the 50% mark. Kristina, Kara, Chuck and of course my darling sister all texting me at once as I copy and paste the scenario I’m experiencing so that I can allow my poor battery to recharge. All I want is complete solitude as I sit in my car gazing out into the frigid November night. (Please quit buzzing phone) Suddenly, as if a spark plug just fired in my brain I decide reindeer draped, lacking clothes underneath and all, I don’t care, I have decided I will find some provisions! Candles, flashlight, and batteries…

    I run into the house much to Winnie’s dismay (poor dog) and scramble to get my wallet with Red Card in hand, and off I go into an even crazier adventure. I check in with my sissy as I careen down my driveway loving that my Vail studded tires are truly being studs tonight as they whisk me “a-way… to “Tar-Jay”! No rhyme intended, well, maybe just a little. Off I go moving at snail’s pace up to Dahlia as each street I pass is in complete darkness. As I approach Yale, the winds and snow howling as there seems to be a fight in the atmosphere. I realize that good ole’ King Soopers supermarket is pitch black as well. I will have to trek it to the Glendale Target. The time is now creeping towards 10:30 pm and I have 30 minutes left to shop. Each car in front of me is creeping along at 20 mph. I only want to get there and go home to enjoy my adventure within my four walls. What a sight I must be as my consciousness goes to my outfit of choice. Rudolph Onesie with hood and nose attached, tail exposed and black Uggs, my fur trimmed snow jacket buck ass naked underneath, for my trip to the coup de grace that is known as Glendale 1806 or the most profitable Target in all the lands, well, ok…the nation! There is nothing they won’t have, and I’m going to go home feeling like the Girl Scout I once was. First aisle, flashlights, lantern… perfect, just need 3 D batteries and a mini handheld flashlight for good measure. Then candle aisle here I come. Black Friday sales and 100 tin votives, yes, please.  Great idea I can have my little house lit up like a church alter in no time! Christmas sale candle too, why not…little Christmas spirit never hurt anyone at $2.00 a pop! Last but not least, RAINX… best water and snow repellent ever. Off to the registers I go, a 20-minute shopping spree and I can almost leave unscathed. Employee number, Red Card and Jen, a 27-year Target veteran and I’m on my way home squishing and crunching through the snow to get to my car. Zip, zip, zip. I’m home pulling into my driveway. Going to leave my phone in the car as I’m inching towards 50% and I have my iPad light to set up all my light sources. First, the big lantern, 3D batteries out of their annoying child proof and adult proof fucking package and now to insert the batteries, easy right? NOT!!! —– Have to put on the old lady glasses as they teeter totter off my nose. I read the idiot proof directions and get it finally to work. Now, my baby handheld flashlight which only takes 1 AA battery and PRESTO, let there be light! The 100 votives were staring at me, so I go with my mini flashlight in search of votive holders all over the house. I have mostly hidden them, so in the middle of my adventure; it’s like I am playing hide and seek with myself. I find three and start to light them immediately… then just as I’m about to light the LAST one, to truly have a candle in each room,… POOOOF the lights come back on!!! No flipping way! It’s 11:32 pm, two hours later, to almost the minute. All the prep work, no underwear driving, reindeer wearing, staging my candle lit caper, and the damn lights go back on. Isn’t It Ironic starts playing again in my head as I start laughing out loud as my November night adventure comes to a close. Now, time to fix the microwave clock…

Stay tuned for more reindeer chronicles as winter in Denver unfolds.

Goodnight.