As you remember from my last post… there were some dark days before my adventure began. The constant questioning of myself, “God am I doing the right thing?”—In my repeated thoughts, can I really do this all alone…will I be too lonely? Worrying about my mom being alone, finding new friends, activities, etc. So many unanswered questions…conundrums a plenty!!
Then the cloak of invisibility was thrown over my shoulders, and I disappeared from the world and myself for almost 10 days. I froze—couldn’t pack—barely talked to friends and family, and all my positivity about my adventures ahead were put on hold. Deadlines I had set were coming and going, and all I felt ok doing was sleeping. Depression can be a crippling feeling and mixed with the anxiety of the unknown, can make you not even know who you are looking at in the mirror.
Friends & family assured me all the time, “your going to do great,” “you’ll be close to the kids”….all the blanket statements that you are supposed to say to a loved one when utter fear is staring back at you. Right? We are all programmed to say the right things at the right times—that is our duty.
(Just writing this, the feelings surface again and I step away from my post.)
Whewwww…. glad I shook those feeling off. A diversion always works.
All I can say to anyone facing a substantial change in their lives is BREATHE. Do not let anxiety and fear take hold of you. They are quite the power couple, and if you allow them to creep in, they will win you over.
Remember that beautiful saying, “Whether you say you can or can’t…either way you are right”… so say you CAN. During your changes, surround yourself with positivity. Take time for yourself and find new things to be curious about. Turning fear into curiosity is a brave way to move ahead.
Those 10 days were difficult, but I made it through, and here I am today facing new challenges every day. Not every day is sunny…sometimes we need the gray days to balance out the blue. Thank you to the people who stood by me and lent a helping hand, your dedication to me as a person will always be kept close to my heart. 🖤
Have you ever been crippled by the fear of a new life experience?? Tell me about it in the comments…. come on, throw me a bone, so I don’t feel like the only one.
Bye!
Anita~
Curiosities and Conundrums... 
I really like this post! It was very real! Not that you’re not always real, but there was a deep level of vulnerability in your writing! It goes well with some of your happier posts, a nice mix. XO
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Trying to be as real with myself as with the world. I love all of Brene’ Browns work on vulnerability and have been living that life as much as I can because of her…and you as I feel you are living your life the same. Still working on the boundaries part but being authentic is the most important to me right now in my life. Keep reading… you may learn a thing or two about your mommy!! Love you!
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Yep ! Losing my parents at 17 and having to create a life on my own before I was ready. Bit I did. Doing it again now with divorce at 48. It’s hard but the growth does happen in the dark 🙂
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We sometimes become our best when we face adversity. When we have no place to go but up we somehow muster the strength. Allowing ourselves to be helped is one of the hardest for me. Ego is best friends with Anxiety & Fear and standing up to all three of them as their arms are locked and pushing through can be quite the feat. But… I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again!
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Christina, I remember that time so well when you were 17, what an enormous shock…I never knew what to say so I didn’t say anything at all, and for that I am sorry. I am so proud of you, and I very much identify with (and remember) the feelings you have now…the shock of divorce. There is such a range of emotions we cycle through. And I feel quite connected and close to those who go through such times. There are days where we are paralyzed with fear (beautifully written about, Miss Anita!) and then days when grief seems to swallow us up. Also, there was a LONG season of anger for me, I felt so ripped of and betrayed, and I’d been such a good person, how could this be happening? But through it all, I found great comfort in spirituality, and through sharing these feelings with others. Profound comfort. I remember doing a lot of reading. (“Spiritual Divorce” by Debbie Ford, pretty powerful). When I looked at my part…of why I chose a man like I did, how I ignored my intuition….somehow it helped. Taking ownership got me through the anger stage. Anyway, kudos to both of you girls, Christina and Anita. Your trials have in a sense, caused you to grow deeper roots, and become even more beautiful people.
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I can relate to EVERYTHING you just said. I don’t know if either of you girls experienced the sense of failure. For me, I, for a long time while the marriage was dissolving blamed myself and that is such a horrible place to be. For my children now I look back and am
still angry that I allowed the unhappiness in their world as long as I did. In the failing of a relationship, or marriage, I do truly believe their is always two sides. What I will do my best to instill in my children is how important communication is and how happiness should be the norm not 6 bad day to 1 good. I have always seen the good in people and held onto that and even to this day, I allow myself to be treated in a way that is not always respectful to ME. I, going through as much as I have in my
life, extend allowances to the loves of my life. And by the way, I’m not just saying my romantic loves…. they tend to take advantage of my kindness and in the end I am the one hurt or betrayed. But…. I will continue to be vulnerable and love with my whole heart and sometimes take the fall for the ones that feel the need to not do the right thing. Even though I am more spiritual than religious I do believe I am very much the one to turn the other cheek. Every year I try to respect myself more, be more clear with my words and set the boundaries that need to be set to be true to myself.
Remember Christina, at the end of the day, no matter where you and your husband end up at the end, thank him for you beautiful children and also remember all those amazing traits they have come from both of you. Missy I held onto that anger too for far to long and am so happy I cleansed myself from it. There are days that thoughts come spiraling back and it brings me back to the day I told him he had to leave….usually it had to do with my children that ultimately got it the worst but I choose not to live in the past and know that anger eats us up alive. I am starting a new chapter now and soon Christina you will too. I say that one event is a girls retreat in the Summer in beautiful Vail Colorado… come join me while my roots push their way down and I grow towards the sun!!! xoxox to you both. Thanks for joining in my conversations… means the world to me!
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